NLP Agreement Frame: Use these exact sentences [Examples]
What is the NLP agreement frame? How can you exactly use it? In this article you will find the exact words to use and the exact words to avoid. Read along and find out how the agreement frame works…
What is the NLP agreement frame?
I love the NLP agreement frame. This technique is an example of ‘pacing and leading’ and simply consists of a number of sentences you say, and a number of sentences you avoid.
The basic idea of the agreement frame is this: say ‘yes, and’ instead of ‘yes, but’. To say ‘yes’ is to follow (pacing). You paraphrase or echo what your conversation partner says. To say ‘and’ is to lead. Then you lead with your ideas and encouragements. Accordingly, in the Milton Model, ‘and’ is always used instead of ‘but’.
This is similar to a ‘piggyback’, where you create momentum and then introduce your idea or suggestion to piggyback on that momentum.
- Confirm what they already do: agree
- And after that, you can add your idea or suggestion.
Examples of the agreement frame in practice
- I agree, and I would add … as well.
- I almost agree, and I would add …
- I could agree, and I would add … also.
- It is true, you are right that you cannot get into a trance, and I am not going to tell you that you can get into a trance, Debbie, now. Because you can’t GET IN TRANCE at all, in a very comfortable way. Very good. And it’s not important that you get in a state of trance, with a lot of pleasure. Exactly Debbie.
- It is true, you are right that you would not buy the product until you realise that this product is only for truly motivated people.
Which words to use and which words to avoid in the agreement frame…
There are a number of words you want to have in your vocabulary. Do you want to express the principle of pacing and leading in your language? Then use words like:
- I appreciate… (pace) And… (lead)
- I agree… (pace) And… (lead)
- I respect… (pace) and … because… (lead)
Avoid words such as these:
- I understand… (pacing in the wrong way) But/However… (leading in the wrong way)
- I understand… However, the truth is that… (There is no objective truth, all truth is subjective. This belief helps us have more respect for other people)
Why should we avoid the words ‘I understand’ and ‘but’?
It is often better to avoid the word ‘understanding’. Because every person has a different model of the world, it is very likely that you don’t understand the other person. Being in agreement with the other, or appreciating the other, is perfectly possible!
The word ‘but’ is not ideal either. ‘But’ implies a dilemma. ‘And’ implies choice.
There is room for improvement in the following example of pacing and leading:
‘It’s terrible outside! Very windy!’
‘I understand what you’re saying, but at least it’s not snowing!’
A more eloquent example of the agreement frame:
‘It’s terrible outside! Very windy!’
‘I agree and at least it is not snowing!’
And even Benjamin Franklin loved the agreement frame:
“I made it a rule,” said Franklin, “to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiment of others, and all positive assertion of my own, I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fix’d opinion, such as ‘certainly,’ ‘undoubtedly,’ etc., and I adopted, instead of them, ‘I conceive,’ ‘I apprehend, ‘ or ‘I imagine’ a thing to be so or so, or ‘it so appears to me at present’.
(Dale Carnegie, 1936)
Good luck with using the NLP agreement frame
Good luck with using the NLP agreement frame! Let me know in the comments how you use this principle in order to express more respect for other people or to communicate better.