#Metoo: How To Behave? [Tips, Consent Sentences & How-To]
What is the #metoo discussion? What does it actually mean? In this post-metoo era, how should you proceed if you want to hook up on someone? What should you pay attention to? In this article you will learn it. Read along…
What is #metoo?
With the hashtag #MeToo, women all over the world share their experiences of sexual abuse and harassment. The purpose of the action was to show how widespread it is, while too often it is ignored or dismissed as ‘normal’.
The concept started in 2006 through the social medium Myspace, but the hashtag exploded when actresses and other artists in the US opened a booklet in 2017 about the humiliations and harassment they endured and receive from powerful men in the film world, including Harvey Weinstein.
Weinstein, Kevin Spacy, Asia Argento … You don’t have to look only in America for the stories. All over the world, for example, your boss can continue to continue after a rejection. See for example these stories about the Zuidas.
How rape became normalized little by little (rape culture …)
Below is a list of acts that can all lead to rape. We find some of the things at the bottom of the list ‘normal’, but they can secretly offer support and ‘excuses’ for the actions that are higher on the lists.
- Secretly remove the condom
- Contraceptive sabotage: persuading the other not to use contraception
- Blaming and shaming
- Revenge Porn
- Ignoring ‘safe words’
- Groping, or unwanted grasping at certain body parts
- Take a photo or video without permission
- Unsolicited nude photos
- Unsolicited non-sexual, so normal touches
- Sexist attitude
- Jokes about rape
- ‘Football canteen humor’ / ‘Dressing room humor’
Thanks to #metoo we can work towards a safer culture
After #metoo we look at the above list with completely different eyes and we have become more aware of things that are unacceptable. Let’s look at a clear example of how a ‘rape culture’ had emerged, in which rape was considered very ‘normal’ a while ago :
You have probably seen the films ‘Back To The Future’, ‘Karate Kid’ and ‘Breakfast Club’. Just like in today’s movies, these three examples from the 80s also feature tough guys chasing girls. Ordinary guys. Not criminals. What is striking is how much those scenes from those 80s movies resemble rape, without anyone saying anything about it. Even the girls themselves do not seem so shocked that they are assaulted by violence. Afterwards they pretended it was the order of the day.
If we watched those movies these days, we would be shocked about those scenes. Fortunately, #Metoo has brought awareness to ‘rape culture’.
Saying no once is enough – an important aspect of #metoo
An important aspect of #metoo is that surely offering someone a physical act – especially sex – is perfectly fine, but that refusal should be accepted right away. A woman should be able to just say no once or push away once.
Criticism against #metoo
Is the #metoo discussion being exaggerated? The opponents of the #metoo movement have an important point: people need touch, and touch is healthy and fun. That should be normalized – and not seperation. According to the opponents, #metoo creates a detached society in which there is less spontaneous connection and contact.
The truth lies in the middle
You have to continuously add nuance to the # metoo story. Several aspects play a role, but the first attempt at flirting is still there. You can always offer sex. You ask – and then you can get an answer, where one time no should be enough.
Compliments for the mainstream TV program Spuiten en Slikken, in which it is simply advised to continue to initiate physical contact … but with policy and consent.
Important: consent! Use these consent sentences
Consent simply means: consent from the other. You must have this if you want to get physical with the other. Consent can be expressed either literally or through body language. If the other person is sober and also takes the initiative and, for example, takes off clothes themselves, that is of course also a yes.
“Would you like to …”
“Do you want?”
“May I continue?”
“Do you give permission / consent?”
“May I hug you?”
“When I ask you if you want to do something, just know it’s always okay to say no, okay?”
“Let me know if you feel uncomfortable, okay?
“What do you think of (x activity)?”
“Let me know if you want to do anything else.”
“You can stop / leave at any time.”
“Only if you want to. I only do everything if something is voluntary.”
If someone is unsure that they said no, then you can say “I’m disappointed not to do that thing, of course, but I’m much happier that you were willing to tell me no or that you “You felt uncomfortable. That’s really important to me. Thank you for that.”
We would also like to remind you that it is not wrong to ask for too much consent. Better to much than to less. It also shows class and that makes it incredibly sexy.
When in doubt, don’t
If you offer someone sex and you see the other person doubting, please do n’t try to persuade them. With consent applies: take it or leave it.
If the other person says he / she is in doubt, please send to the truncation: “Then you shouldn’t do it. Then you should go.” Hug a little longer and take your loss. Maybe – and very likely – there will be more next time.
You can go. You don’t have to be here. My doors are open to you. I offer you the option to stay.
John Legend adapted the song ‘Baby it’s cold outside’ for #metoo
[Verse 1: Kelly Clarkson & John Legend]
I really can’t stay (Baby, it’s cold outside)
I’ve got to go away (But, I can call you a ride)
This evening has been (I’m so glad that you dropped in)
So very nice (Time spent with you is paradise)
My momma will start to worry (I’ll call the car and tell him to hurry)
My daddy will be pacing the floor (Wait, what are you still livin’ home for?)
So, really, I’d better scurry (Your driver, his name is Murray)
But maybe just a half a drink more (Oh, we’re both adults, so who’s keepin’ score?)
What will my friends think? (I think they should rejoice)
If I have one more drink? (It’s your body and your choice)
Ooh, you really know how (Your eyes are like starlight now)
To cast a spell (One look at you and then I fell)
I ought to say, “No, no, no, sir” (Then you really ought to go, go, go)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried (Well, Murray, he just pulled up outside)
[Chorus: Kelly Clarkson, John Legend & Both]
Oh, I really can’t stay
(I understand, baby)
Baby, it’s cold outside
[Verse 2: Kelly Clarkson & John Legend]
I simply should go (Text me when you get home)
Oh, I’m supposed to say no (Mm, I guess that’s respectable)
This welcome has been (I’ve been lucky that you dropped in)
So nice and warm (But you better go before it storms)
My sister will be suspicious (Well, gosh your lips look delicious)
My brother will be there at the door (Oh, he loves my music, baby, I’m sure)
My gossipy neighbor is vicious (I’m a genie, tell me what your wish is)
But maybe just a cigarette more (Oh, that’s somethin’ we should probably explore)
I’ve got to get home (Oh, baby, I’m well aware)
Say, lend me a coat (Oh, keep it girl, I don’t care)
You’ve really been grand (I feel it when you touch my hands)
But don’t you see? (I want you to stay, it’s not up to me)
There’s bound to be talk tomorrow (Well, they can talk, but what do they know?)
At least there will be plenty implied (Oh, let them mind their business and go-)
Uh, ma’am, I really can’t stay
Just keep flirting freely… but know where and when you can
Yes, consent is important. And keep asking ‘the question’. Flirting doesn’t necessarily have to change after #metoo. Do what you normally would and be extra respectful of rejections.
In any case, you can take over all the touches that the other makes to you and also do to the other.
Nothing will change for you. Just stay sure, just keep leading, just keep getting physical. Still be a sexual being. And 1 x no = stop.
Don’t go crazy. Sense the other person’s type of humor, just make one sexual joke first and notice how the other responds – then respect that response. Just keep making vulnerable moves and watch where and when you can touch. Feel free to go for it, but do it with policy, attention and … consent!
You can take the horse to the water, but you cannot force it to drink.
– Dutch saying
On your luck!