Raising Kids With Confidence And Self worth [15 Tips]
How can you raise your toddler, child or adolescent in a positive and relaxed manner, without punishment, with acceptance and fun? How can you deal with ‘unruly’ or ‘undesirable behavior’ from your child? The perfect upbringing does not exist, but in this article about parenting you will find effective tips for parents and the development of the child …
Tip 1 – Raising a child with self-confidence? This is our advice on criticism and encouragement
How can my child gain confidence? How can I better process self-confidence in parenting? Let’s start with the quick answer …
➜ Do it: encourage at the level of behavior, capacity and identity
This will give your children self-confidence: communicate constantly and often that they are doing well! That they are worth being loved! That they are worthwhile as humans!
One word of encouragement can change a person’s future.
- You will become a good student and a role model for your friends. I am sure you will become a great person and will bring wisdom and happiness to many people.
- You are diligent and intelligent.
- I believe in you.
- Steal the show!
- You can do it, you just don’t know it yet.
However, don’t let your encouragements be just at the identity level, like “You ‘re a smart kid!” Give attention to encouragement at the behavioral level, such as: “You are doing every time your best!” Behavioral encouragements fuel a growth mindset , while identity-level encouragements contain a trap: “I’m already smart, so I don’t have to do much more …” Moreover, such encouragements can put pressure on children.
Don’t constantly call your daughter princess or sweetheart, name her good qualities. Inspiring, hopeful, brave, warrior, capable, intelligent, honest, trustworthy, generous, enterprising, creative, artistic, caring, funny, strong …
In any case, keep encouraging your children. Need inspiration for encouragement and praise for your child? Check out these 198+ examples of compliments.
➜ Why? Raising a child with self-confidence by programming an ‘inner mentor’ into them
How often do you communicate to your kids that they are worth loving as a person? Do this as often as possible. This way your children develop an inner voice / mentor who naturally says the same things to the child.
The longer the parents (and peers) program that voice in it by expressing appreciation and feelings of affection, the more natural it becomes for the child to think that way. The child sees the world in this way in a completely different way than if it were not growing up like this.
The child will then see the world as a good place, a pleasant place, a world that loves and accepts the child, where there is value and where the child can contribute value. Then it is natural for the child to feel self-confidence.
So where does it often go wrong with a child’s self-confidence? Parents who program criticism and doubt in the child. And especially at identity level: “What are you still a careless child.” Instead of, “You’re super neat, and you’re not showing this today.” So keep an eye on the model of the logical levels in your communication.
➜ And do this: choose love and affection – be careful not to criticize your child
Never criticize your child. Instead, use positive suggestions and give the child unconditional love and affection.
➜ Why? Children care what their parents say
It should be one of the most serious crimes when a parent unnecessarily criticizes a child. The child is damaged almost irreparably.
Tip 2 – Never compare your child with others when you encourage him / her
➜ Do this: never encourage in the superlative, but in the positive degree
You already know the power of encouragement from the first tip of this article. For example, say or project to your children …
- That they are handsome
- That they are smart
- That they can sell well
- That they are a good brother
- That they are good children
- “You make me happy.”
- “You are very friendly to everyone.”
- “I am grateful that you are here.”
- “You are beautiful inside and out.”
- “You are brave.”
- “I appreciate you more than you know.”
- “You have great ideas.”
- “I love that you have so much persistence.”
- “I can see your inner strength.”
Also affirmation contribute to this. It is important that you do not compare the child with others . Use Never superlatives (superlative) in your language when making your encouragement.
- So don’t say: you’re the prettiest
- But say: you are beautiful
➜ Why? Comparing with others feeds the ego
The ego sees differences between people: better or worse. Because you are not encouraging in superlatives, you are not encouraging on an ego level, but on a love level. The child will take over this feeling and develop even more love within himself.
Tip 3 – Make use of the Rosenthal effect for powerful education
➜ Do this: if your child does something that is not allowed or not pleasant, encourage the child in the right direction
Let’s go straight to some examples:
- If your child is sniffling dirty instead of grabbing a handkerchief, don’t say, “You’re always sniffling so dirty,” but say, “You’re a clean and pleasant person,” while helping the child by putting on a handkerchief. to reach.
- Instead of saying, “You disobey,” say, “You always listen so well.” And in the meantime you guide the child in the right behavior with your body.
What do you notice from the above examples? Don’t name what you see, but name what you want to see. In this way you condition the child in a positive way.
Don’t see what’s there. See as you want it to be.
➜ Do this: exaggerate your encouragements
Rather exaggerate the child’s abilities than under-acknowledge them. Also express acceptance if in reality the child shows negative qualities, such as gossip or not standing up for himself: then you can lovingly say that you prefer to see it differently, but you do not have to go on and on about it.
Huh, who is that? That’s not Marietje, that’s a professional gymnast!
– ‘Rosenthal effect joke’ at the identity level after a child shows a photo of her performance.
➜ Why? Expectations, thoughts and projections become reality
You’ve probably heard of the Pygmalion effect (also called the Rosenthal effect). These experiments taught us that when you tell a class and to the parents in a primary school that they are all VWO students, many more students will pass VWO, and if you say correctly that they are VMBO students, many more get the VMBO.
Give light, and the dark will disappear by itself.
– Desiderius Erasmus
The way to get the best out of a person? Through appreciation and encouragement.
– Charles Schwab
Tip 4 – Dealing with setbacks: educate your child on the importance of ‘failure’ and persistence
➜ Do this: It is critical for children to teach them to keep doing dignified acts and to be willing to fail
Always encourage your children to keep doing dignified things where the child may simply fail. Let your child take action despite the potential for failure. It is crucial for the child to understand that failure is okay and that action is important.
Let your child continue to take worthy actions so that the child can pass it on later, even if they have failed.
➜ Why? Failure is not who you are! And it is necessary!
Your failure is not who you are, the feedback model teaches us. Self-confident children unconsciously know this if the parents have ‘programmed’ it well in the upbringing. These kinds of children are willing to experiment and that makes them better: they go through the learning process and thus acquire more skills. Purely because the child is willing to fail.
And then it is important to see all that is beautiful and useful in ‘failure’: they are reference experiences that you can look back on and of which you can know: that is an act of a good person who has done worthy, useful things and share the story with others.
Only the person with low confidence looks at the negative things instead of the positive things and wants to hide the story.
The confident child can also have a bad day and cry, but the child will immediately hear the developed voice that says: you are worth it, you are worthy to be loved.
Tip 5 – Let your kids make mistakes
➜ Do this: Encourage your kids to make as many mistakes as possible
Let your child find value in making mistakes. Provide words of encouragement so that your child experiments, makes mistakes, and always gets up.
➜ Why? Making mistakes is the # 1 way kids learn
We shouldn’t be ashamed of making mistakes. Just get up and try again. The special thing is that children can and do this naturally.
Encourage your child to hold this too. Most adults are so afraid, cautious and safe, making them cringe and therefore just go fail. Most adults have attached themselves to this.
Make as many mistakes as possible early in life and enjoy. If you don’t make mistakes, the challenges you’re working on aren’t challenging enough. And that is a big mistake. It is important that there is action and that you do and learn.
Tip 6 – Parenting positively? Support your child in his / her dream (the power of ‘The One Thing’)
➜ Do this: Help your child write out his or her great interest
Support your child in his / her dream. What is your child’s great interest? Everything is allowed. Even the craziest idea can be pursued.
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
– Harry S. Truman
➜ Why? Your child can just ‘fail’ in all kinds of things and will become happy and successful with ‘The One Thing’
This tip is an extension of the previous tip: it is okay if your child is doing well in one area and not so well in other areas.
‘The One Thing’ states that you always succeed in your great interest / passion if you are very often involved with that interest. This implies that you can safely ‘fail’ in all kinds of other skills activities. You only need to have one ‘one thing’ that you are the very best at.
If your child understands that it can safely ‘fail’ in a lot of things, your child will not only become happy, but your child will also become successful in that one thing that the child does not ‘fail’.
Tip 7 – Children who ask … are not skipped!
➜ Do this: Encourage your kids to ask lots of questions
Teach your kids to express what they want. What do you fancy? What do you want? Ask people! Obviously in a polite, eloquent and powerful way. Not just to your parents, but everyone in life.
Make your children a world champion in asking questions.
For example, have a question time with your children: let them ask all the questions that are in their heads.
➜ Why? If you don’t ask, no one knows you want anything at all, and you can’t be given anything
We are constantly gagged from kindergarten to university when we want to ask questions. This is – together with the all-too-familiar rhyme ‘children who are skipped questions’ – one of the greatest abuses in education and in society.
In life it is true: ask and it will be given! For example if you want to sell something, get something you are entitled to or if you want to ask for a favor. If you stay still and don’t ask anything, then the magic cannot come to you. For example, asking for help is very important.
‘Ask and it will be given’ is a much healthier statement to pass on to your children than ‘Children who ask will be skipped’.
Be careful though: this is unfortunately a rigorous insult to the establishment. The children and students who dare to think for themselves and ask critical questions are highly personally denounced by the teachers. Be aware of these consequences and prepare your children emotionally for them.
Tip 8 – Let your child fully express his / her emotions (such as tantrums)
Another thing that should not be expressed in the West: your emotions. ‘Every tantrum must stop as soon as possible …’
➜ Do this: tantrum? Let it be
Do not interrupt your child in the tantrum. In fact, encourage the child to shout all over and to rant. Let it scream. Let it all out.
Don’t keep comforting, soothing, or calming. Emotions should be the most natural thing in the world.
Do you feel an emotion? Awesome! Feel it, open it, let it complete itself. Let it open itself. This is healthy.
➜ Why? Emotions are normal
Do you think you have a very spicy toddler? “My toddler is in a tantrum!” My first question is always: why do you mind? Emotions should be normal, including tantrums.
Emotions are welcome.
We live in a society where children are unfortunately not allowed to express themselves. When they actually want to scream out, they are forced to be quiet.
Of course, taking other people into account is a completely different story: teach your child to also have the option not to shout on a subway, but to hold it up and do it when you get off and it doesn’t bother anyone has.
When I regularly read to a foreign family for a library project, I let my reading child finish all her tantrums, after which we could start reading with great relief.
Babies and young children do not have a duality / split . They express their emotions. When they are happy, they are happy. When they are angry, they are angry. Don’t take this away from them as they grow up.
Do not require them to bottle up their feelings, “behave,” put on masks and walls and see a difference between “me” and other. Don’t force them away from their truth – the diamond they are.
Conflicts between parent and child are also healthy. Parents and children sometimes simply argue. It is good for your children to question the many things you say and not take things blindly.
➜ And do this: regularly ask your child about his / her emotions (simple mindfulness activities)
Ask your child regularly what kind of weather it is inside. Sunny or cloudy? What do you feel? ‘ So regularly do mindfulness exercises with your child to observe emotions.
➜ And do this: register your child for drama class
Drama class is all emotion and trains the emotion muscle!
Tip 9 – Teach your child to express himself and make noise
➜ Do this: Teach your kids to make noise
Teach your child to make noise. Teach your child to open his / her throat and scream.
Again, encourage your child to channel this and to do this at times and places when it does not bother others. This is therefore not possible on public transport, but on the platform, at home or in the park.
➜ Why? The heart wants to express itself – This is how the child makes contact with the heart
How do you open your heart? This can be done in many ways, but there is one way that children are constantly denied: by making noise. Breathe in and out, making a sound: ‘haah…’ When exhaling, make even more noise: ‘ahhhhh’ or ‘ha!’ You immediately open your heart.
You can feel this shift physically. If you put your hand on your heart while doing so, you will feel the heart vibrate. Your child is alive and your child can feel that now!
➜ And do this: never order a child to stop laughing, but encourage it
Luck doesn’t need a reason. Never silence children when expressing joy. Let them be in ecstasy. It’s not their fault that the norm of the adult world is depression, tightness, and seriousness.
➜ Why? Happiness, laughter, ecstasy and celebrating life, that should be the norm
Do you recognize that as a child you sometimes had those laughing moments, but that quite quickly an adult said something like: “Well enough is enough.” Or there was a snarl, “Tell me what’s so funny.” Unfortunately ecstasy is a taboo in society… In fact, depression, tightness and seriousness are unfortunately the norm.
➜ And do this: encourage your child to trust his-her intuition
Raise your children with the freedom to follow their intuition. Don’t crush that precious gift by silencing them if they feel bad about a certain situation. Encourage them to express and trust that feeling, including the emotions that arise.
➜ Why? Your intuition speaks the truth and is your most intelligent resource
It is a shame if you systematically teach your children – who naturally trust and want to use their intuition – to ignore their intuition and keep quiet.
Tip 10 – Let your child move
➜ Do this: Wild, adventurous, active and energetic energizers
Teach your child to move. Or rather: unlearn your child that it should always sit still. By nature children are already free, but at school they are pushed into the chairs and they have to sit still.
- Ask your child: what movement do you want to make? Do you want to slide down the banister? Do you want to jump off that wall?
- Let your child make as free movement as possible, without the child having to hold back.
- Do lipsync = battles
- Do dance battles
- For more inspiration, choose one of these energizers!
➜ Why? True intelligence is in the body
Why is exercise so important? The body contains the most powerful intelligence and strength we have. Such movements act as a dynamic meditation. If you want to attach a spiritual aspect to it, you can steal that the intuition needs a flexible and free body.
Would you like to read more about the strength of the body compared to sitting still and using the mind? You can do that here.
Tip 11 – Set a good example
➜ Do this: Treat your own parents as you would like to be treated by your children
Are you such a parent who always wants to have everything under control? Are you such a parent who pays too much attention to their child? Then give some of that attention to your own parents. Your own children will take this as an example. If you are good to your own parents, your child will learn how to treat you in the future.
Be the person you want your kids to be.
Release children and show that you are always ready to support them. Do not force your way on them (for your own interests). These children become more independent and mature than others.
➜ Why? You cannot teach someone something by telling the other
You cannot teach someone by telling the other and imposing your will. Children who see you as a good example, feel your support and are released, become more independent and mature than others.
Read more about why this works? Then look at the two articles below:
- This is also known as Byron Katie’s method.
- This is the inductive method of conveying something instead of the deductive method.
Tip 12 – Teach your child to live with options, or choices
➜ Do this: Give your child the responsibility to test different options
Point out all options to your child in a situation. Let the child choose which option the child wants to test now, instead of imposing only one way or one behavior on your child.
➜ Why? With options, the child is in his / her strength
The people who get the furthest in life are people who have options, and know they always have options , such as how to respond. Always maintain freedom of options, such as having a choice in how you feel. That is flexibility. Proactive people live with options.
If you only have one choice, then you are a robot. If you have two choices, you have a dilemma. If you have three or more ways to accomplish something, you have options. Then you will also achieve it. And when those three options disappear, we just create new ways.
How important it is for a child to know they have options! In other words: choices.
- Options for feeling angry, sad, happy, or scared.
- Options to play, move, shout and scream … or to consider others in the environment and scream at a different time.
- Options to solve a problem
- And there are many more situations where it makes sense to have choices.
Tip 13 – Your child does not strive for more, but is satisfied with this fresh moment! Don’t take this away
➜ Do this: let the child discover again and again and again
Does a child want to read the same story 10 times? Sing the same song 10 times? See the same magic trick 10 times? Make the same puzzle 10 times? Congratulations, you have a mindful child. Go with it and in fact learn from this unbiased , fresh attitude of the child.
➜ Why? Every experience is new and fresh: do not teach the child to judge it
A child may want to rediscover a simple activity, such as singing a song or watching a magic trick. ‘Again!’ the child says over and over. Boredom arises in the mind of adults, but every experience is new to the child, even if the child has already done it. The child enjoys repetitive activity because the child is in the here and now.
But after twice having sung the same song, the adults forcing the child to treat the song as old concept – there must be selected a new song. Adults have the feeling of ‘never enough’ and unfortunately often impose this on children, while the children are satisfied with the simplicity and freshness of the here and now.
In this article, you will learn this most important mindfulness attitude for children : not to label experiences and objects as concepts – ‘Okay, we know that concept now, now it’s time for more other information ‘ – but to keep them as new to experience. Without judgment and with intense joy as a result.
Tip 14 – Manage the attention for the youngest child
➜ Do this: Pre-frame your elder so that others sometimes get more attention
Pre-frame your elder that others get more attention sometimes too. Simply let him / her know that it is a nice experience to give the stage to someone else.
➜ Do this: Redirect the attention of others to your elder too
It is recognizable: you go with your two children to visit people and they will give all their energy to the youngest child. Be extra alert to the attention balance as soon as your second child is born. From the moment your second child is born, it is important that you constantly have an alert attitude that the attention is equally divided. Redirect the attention of others to your elder as well.
Tip 15 – Books about positive parenting, staying calm, negative attention and more …
Here you will find a top 10 book list including the following topics:
- Do you feel tired of parenting?
- Do you want to stay calm while parenting?
- How do you practice positive parenting?
- How do you deal with negative attention, for example with three-year-olds?
- How can you listen carefully to your child?
These were tips full of mindfulness & NLP for children
In summary, these tips give your child freedom, self-confidence and joy of life. And you can enjoy it. To the success of you and your child!